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[26 Mar 2009|10:03pm] |
I've been working when my father has work for me. I think I have enough to pay to get my contact examination, contacts, and pay both the gas and electric bill. *hooray*
I tried to talk to Kip about our relationship. He wants another chance. I'm giving it to him. He's been really nice this week telling me I'm pretty just about everyday. I'm unfortunately feeling at least a little apathetic about him at the moment. I put effort into this relationship with hardly any response from him for almost two years. I think in the past few months I just got burnt out on trying. However, he wants me to so I am. Since I agreed to give him a second chance I've been having panic attacks. I'm going to assume it is a bad thing when you feel like you are being strangled and smothered when ever you think about your love-relationship. *sigh*
Oh yeah I almost forgot. The apartment complex is threatening to take us to small claims court because we paid our rent two weeks late. How is that for some BS. Giles is taking care of it and they said everything should be dropped once he does. He's super pissed at the company though and wants us to look for a new place to live.
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[10 Mar 2009|10:47pm] |
I'm writing this from Virginia. Yes, Drake and I caught a ride down here and are visiting my mother. I miss her. It is really hard for me not to have her around. I know I'm 26, but she's still my mommy. I haven't felt well the past year or so and it would have been nice to have her around...even if just for emotional support.
I am getting to see my old kitty. To give you an Idea we got this cat when she was two and I was eight. She over 20 now!! and she doing so well. I am almost more excited about seeing her than my mother. My mom will come to visit, but the cat doesn't. Is it strange that I think it is wonderful to see Jasmine? I love that cat.
Voltaire is coming to Indy. I really want to go see his show. I think it would be fun anyway, however, things get better. He'll be preforming at Indianapolis' first annual Gothic Prom. I have to say the idea of Gothic Prom is something I find hilarious. It kind of makes me think of those SNL skits with Chris Kattan as a goth. I forget what it was called Goth chat or something? I don't know. *laugh* Anyway, there was one where they had Gothic Prom. It was the Goth kids sitting around in the janators closet during Prom-prom. So now when ever I hear 'gothic Prom' I think, "sorry I was late. I had to work a double shift and the cinnibun."
Other then that, not much is really going on for me. My dad is letting me work a little for him. I know that I should save my money for better things, but I'm going to let vanity win over. I'm saving my money to buy new contact lenses. I don't mind wearing my glasses, but I would love to be able to wear contacts if I wanted.
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[30 Nov 2008|08:57am] |
To the Man in my Dreams,
I dreamed about you again last night. I dream of many people, but you are the only one I can't explain. I've been having dreams about you for years with no explanation why. I'm not sure I'll ever get one. However, I woke up with the foolish hope that one day you would read this and know who that I am speaking of you. I had the thought that perhaps two people could share dreams. I doubt it, but the way the mind works is still somewhat of a mystery. Many may say that we can't share dreams, but who could prove it? With so many people in the world some dreams, just like thoughts, are bound to overlap. *sigh* Now you probably think I'm either crazy or stupid or both. Maybe you already think that of me. I'd like to think I'm not stupid, but I can't prove I'm not crazy.
I don't know how I feel about you in the real world. I must care enough to write this. Or perhaps this is a vain attempt to reach out to any feeling of love, even if it is only in my dreams. So, I guess, I can't say how I really feel about you in the real world. In my dreams, I know I love you more than air. In the waking world the only person I know for a fact I love is my darling little Drake.
If you know me or think you do, you probably think I'm lazy. I'm sorry. When I sleep, when I dream I have (or at least fell I have) a importance. In my dreams I have the power to make a change, I am recognized,and I have you. Can you blame me for wanting to sleep when I wake up to a life I'm not sure how else to escape? I love Drake. I wouldn't give him up for the whole world. I just don't know how to change everything else. I don't know how to escape myself or at least who I am at the moment. I think I could be a wonderful, productive and even important person if I could only escape certain tenancies about myself. I'm trapped. I don't know how to become freed. Once again I apologize if you think of me as lazy.
You may think I'm stupid. I don't think I am. I won't deny I have a level of ignorance, but doesn't everyone? Ignorance (and brains) is what makes learning possible. You have to not know something to learn it. I love to learn things. I love to read. I may be ignorant and at times I may be terribly naive, but I'd like for you to know I am not stupid.
Last night, in my dreams. I was telling you about some manga I've never even heard about. I was explain about how two of the characters were brothers and one of the brothers was in love with the other one. I told you about another character who made it a love triangle. You were probably as disinterested in my dream as you are now. You weren't really interested in what I was saying, but you were interested that I was saying it. I realized that you weren't really caring that much about what I was talking about. Embarrassed I muttered something about how Half Prince books was a good place to buy manga. You lay your head on my chest and I kissed the top of your head.
I must return to the real world now. Be well in life and in your dreams...
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[07 Nov 2008|07:02pm] |
Halloween was disappointing again this year. At least for me it was. Drake had fun. He wore himself out visiting people in his purple dragon costume. We didn't take him dore to door or anything like that. We took him to my step-grand parents, his grand parents, the safe trick-or-treating at the fair grounds, and Dolores took him to see some family friends. He likes dum-dums; He'll share them.
However, for me it sucked. I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. There is a kid in me that wants to dress up to go out and have fun. That didn't happen. I wanted to go to a gothic masquerade ball on the 30th, but Kip wasn't feeling well. It would have been cool. The Cruxshadows were going to be there. I got all dressed up, but my fear kept me home. I don't like to go anywhere by myself. I suck.
I didn't do anything on the 31st either. We were going to go out after Drake got done with his festivities. We couldn't find anything to do. Well, there was the Melody Inn, but Kip ended up doing stuff with Chris and Tim instead. It is okay. I didn't give up much of a fight. I was running around with Drake all day, I was pretty tired. However, it would have been cool if there was something more spooky on tv. Some fun ghost/monster/etc show to watch...there wasn't even that.
In other news, physically I'm feeling better. Mostly anyway. I still have some bad days, but they are mostly behind me. This is good, because it no longer hurts to eat; bad news because I suddenly realize how messed up I am mentally. It makes me wonder my mom was right. She thinks that I have IBS, and that my negative feelings were using it to manifest itself. I've been eating two things of yogurt a day and taking my stomach medicine. I've also been taking Allegra-D (I need to call my dad and ask him for more).
However, I am noticing or relearning mental problems I have. I stand in my own way. I am afraid alot of time. I don't want to go out by myself. Most of the time I feel comfortable going to the grocery or the drug store by myself. Sometimes I'm not though. I get dizzy and feeling like crying when I think of driving. I get the same way when it comes to going into social situations by myself. It is like the Cruxshadows thing on Halloween, I could have gone only I was terrified to face that many people I don't know by myself.
There are worse things. There are times when all the rage and/or frustration builds up and I lash out. I yell and throw things. I rage. The thing is that when this is happening I don't really realize it. If I realize that I'm throwing a fit it is really difficulte for me to stop. On top of that afterward what happened is fuzzy to me. Sometimes I kind of remember what happened, sometimes I can't remember anything at all. These episodes make me tired and I usually have to go lay down afterward.
There are other times where I will be fine. I'll be playing with Drake. We'll be having a good time. I'll feel good and we'll be laughing. Suddenly however I get really depressed/anxious. I feel like everything in my life is suddenly smothering me. (The cleaning needs to get done, the dishwasher needs to get unloaded, the light balb in the kitchen needs to be changed, I need to go to grocery store, I need to pick my meds up from the drugstore, I have paper work I need to take to Penske Honda to have someone fill out but I'm afraid to show my face there. And though I love him Drake needs my almost constant attention[I've been doing just as much as Kip is now. I'm the one who feeds, bathes Drake. I also think I watch him almost as much if not more than Kip now]) I'll feel like my space is being invaded all of a sudden. Though he doesn't understand I have to tell Drake that I'm sorry and walk away from him. I shut myself in my room to either have a good cry or to hide under the covers.
In short I'm a mental hazard to myself and I'm not sure I can fix that by myself. I'm suppose to be on Prozac, but for some reason I'm sabotaging myself and not taking it. I know I should, but I don't. Strangely, I can remember to take all my other meds, but Prozac seems to get left out... I don't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid that I'm going to accidentally hurt someone else or myself.
I guess if it isn't one thing it is another. I try to limit the drama in my life. I guess I fail? lol. I don't know. I try to stay calm, but sometimes I just lose it. I can't stop myself and I feel like maybe I should be able to...
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| Because Jeia said so... |
[05 Jun 2008|11:51am] |
What you do: Copy and paste this in your journal. Delete my answers, type in your answers, and post it.
A) Four places that I go to over and over: Home, Kip's Parents, Half-Price Books, Grocery Store
B) Four People who e-mail me (regularly): My Aunt Ruth, Mom, Jeia (as regularly as anyone else), spammers.
C) My four favorite place to eat: Carrabba's, Cancun, Taste of China, Home
D) Four places I would rather be right now: In bed (ditto),
E) Four TV shows I watch all the time: Supernatural, Reaper, House, Anime
F) Four people I think should do this too: Anyone who is feeling chatty
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[28 May 2008|10:05am] |
I just had a dream that Kip cheated on me. In the Kip had invited one of his old female friends over to watch a movie. I didn't know what really happened once she left, but I bluffed that I did. The feeling was there that he'd done something so I told him that I'd caught a glimpse and was so hurt I walked away without doing anything. I kept it vague since I didn't really know exactly what he had done if any thing at all. In the dream he confessed to me that she'd given him a BJ. He'd invited her over with the semi-intent of doing something with her. He knew it was wrong but one thing lead to another. He said he used (his charm person) feat on her. (D&D reference). Anyway I went to his parents and told them I didn't know where to go but I couldn't be around Kip any more and I wanted to take the baby with me. They asked me where I was going to go and my best bet was to my dad's. I woke up rather tense.
The reason I put this here and not in my dream journal is because I have been having tons of anxiety dreams like this. Dreams where Kip cheats on me, or we get in a huge fight...etc. In all of them I take the baby and leave. I don't know what is going on. They are not with my depression, though, perhaps they are part of it. I don't know. All I know is that I think I need to talk to someone to get this worked out. I don't know what is going on. If they are just dreams caused by anxiety or if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. :(
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[26 May 2008|02:10pm] |
Kitty has gotten me addicted to Gaia online! I don't even know why...It is like part of me doesn't like the game, and the rest of me can't get enough.
I joined a new RPG. Forgotten Gods. At the moment I only play Lilith, but I'm doing research to apply for the New God of Recreational Drugs. It is a cool game but real busy. It is new, it just happened to explode quickly.
In RL I've been depressed. I've been having panic attacks off and on. We had to send Drake over to Kip's parents earlier this week because I was freaking out hard core. I couldn't breath. One moment I was carrying out of the baby room. The next Thing I knew I was on the floor with him squishing my face for fun. I really don't know what happened.
My doctors appointment went as expected. The only bad thing is that I've gained like 15 pounds in the past month. I've been eating out of depression, anxiety, and boredom instead of hunger. I need to stop doing that.
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